The Tide is High and We’re Going Under

The word “holiday” will naturally conjure up images of pina coladas, palm trees and glaring sun. But the reality for most people who go on holidays abroad is that you’ll be greeted half-heartedly by your holiday rep Sinead, who will avoid you and all the other guests as much as possible, disappearing into the tardis I’m convinced they hide behind the apartment complex.

After the warm welcome to your holiday you can look forward to seeing an assortment of both Irish and British holidaymakers who will laze by the pool all day and bear a striking resemblance to a lobster by the time you return home. All of this and more awaits your arrival!

These factors, and of course the obligatory mention of the recession, are all ammo for Failte and Discover Ireland’s metaphorical gun. Ireland isn’t that bad, wherever you are you’re sure to be near a pub and everyone speaks English. The sun doesn’t suspiciously rise every morning eventually resulting in you looking like a new addition to a family of sea critters.

While the hilariously depressing term “staycation” has been haunting our eyes and ears, the Failte and Discover Ireland executives have been launching a massive ad campaign championing Ireland as the place to be, while a multiplicity of picturesque and serene images flood the screen.

We won’t be fooled that easily lads, we live on the island. We know that the local “messer” Cormac was probably at the side of the camera while you were capturing these images, watching you hastily getting them to the editing suite to replace the inevitable rain drops with jovial, dancing leprechauns.

Panning around various beauty spots in Ireland may be aesthetically pleasing, but in reality if you want to draw the attention of the Irish nation then show images of people pretending to be warm on the beach in Enniscrone while chattering their teeth or some fool who’s so drunk he can’t find the door handle that’s right on front of him.

And why? Because we all love a laugh, and the only way I’d be willing to stay in this country for my holidays is if I get frequent opportunities to laugh at people’s stupidity, the kind of the behaviour you see in abundance in Spanish holiday resorts.

This, however, is on the condition that they excuse ridiculous happenings when I’m on holidays. One such memorable occasion was when my brother fell asleep in the sun, and appeared a few hours later looking like a misguided Phantom Of The Opera tribute act. The right side of his face was an unpleasant shade of red contrasted with the left side of his face which was milk white.

So should I stay in Ireland for holidays? Yes, I’m sure I should, but why deprive myself of the joy of seeing other people’s holiday faux pas? Well, as long as they don’t notice me walking into a palm tree..

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